Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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