just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
