i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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