Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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