god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
