I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
