Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
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