DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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