i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
