Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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