Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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