she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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