It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
