I smell stomach acid.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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