I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
