Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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