I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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