she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
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He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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