would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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