Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
