The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
