I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
