Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
