You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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