You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
