I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
