i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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