I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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