Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
