hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm always down for nudity.
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