What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
