I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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