I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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