My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
