I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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