I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
