The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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