Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
