i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
What drink are we having for lunch?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize