New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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