I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I am morally bankrupt
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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