Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
