I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
