Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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