After last night, I could never be a politician.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
