i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
