she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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