Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
