You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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