She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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