So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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