The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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