fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
