Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
