I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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