He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
