I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Life is so much better after having sex.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
